To many people this will seem out of the blue or unlike me because in a sense I am coming out of the “spiritual”/”religious” closet. I am so used to hiding portions of myself from people. Ultimately, this is my fault because I chose how I respond to what someone says or thinks about me (whether it is right or wrong). However that is not to say that there weren’t any environmental influences because I did come from a “liberal”/”relativistic” college where being a Christian was scoffed at or where most thought you were stupid or ignorant at best; ESPECIALLY from many of my peers and teachers in the Biology and Chemistry department.
So for the majority of college, I separated my academic life from my spiritual life or at least I attempted… all the while I slowly lost my voice, and began posting less and less on social media. And those things that were once fun to do when I had less conviction, became irritations and ugly reminders of what I was not but what I was expected to be because I was hiding…
I had so much hatred for myself for not standing up for what I believe(d) in class, so much fear for being seen as another stupid Christian… So much pressure walking with a chip on my shoulder. And so much unused compassion when I saw friends hurting and aching for more… because I chose to hate them by putting a bandage over something that should just be addressed right then. I was acting as a great coward… with my doubt and questions keeping me silent from addressing things that I had the answer to… things I had the healing for… SHOOT, I had even seen miracles and encountered things that I could not be explained with human reasoning… And yet, I stayed SILENT.
Honestly, I wanted to be comfortable. I did NOT want conflict… I did NOT want people to judge me. I wanted full control over how I spun things to each of my friends. So yeah… I would never in my right mind write a blog. It was too vulnerable, too raw, TOO REAL .
From this point on, I am not going to hide my story from everyone and to tell you the truth: yes, I do care if I say the wrong things… and yes, I am terrified and yes, I know very little about the world… but I do have my story and those that I encounter. I want freedom from this control that entangles me, binds me and ravishes me.
My goal of this blog is to bring you all on this journey with me into the unknown. Hopefully, I am venturing from a doubting Thomas or Jonah to the woman of faith that God has called me to be. I want to show what God’s hand looks like in my life and share the healing that is found in an intimate relationship with Jesus.
natalieb 