For the past couple months, I have been reflecting on the decisions and my motivation behind those decisions. And I have come to the conclusion that I have spent the majority of my life guided by fear of lack or opinions. This “fear” led my search in relationships and friendships. It limited the jobs that I would allow myself to look into. And showed up even in the mundane – my speech and possessions.
It’s strange because many people outside of this country look at the US and see “freedom”. They talk about how great the US is because we have opportunities, specifically advancement in economic class (the opportunity to be rich)… Which in a way is true because we do have many opportunities and at face value that is awesome and great. But, more opportunities doesn’t equal freedom.
I grew up in Southern California from a fairly large family. And for the majority of my life I thought like this. And because I really liked the idea of freedom, I lived my life to create more opportunities for myself. I didn’t want to have fear of the future so I thought in order to have that I needed to have “financial comfort and security”. With every decision or investment that I made and with every course that I took, I felt trapped by this goal. In this plight, I sought freedom but I felt more trapped than I did when I started. I was NOT getting any sort of comfort or freedom. Instead I felt shackled to my anxiety and fear like I was going to my slave master asking him to help me break free.
I was fearful of every test and assignment. I needed to be the best. I compared myself to my peers because grades marked my significance. The fun that I once had when learning or hanging out with friends was replaced with a nagging voice of fear. This “voice”/thoughts told me I need to work harder, be better, be smarter and get back to ____ so that I don’t end up at the bottom of the food chain.
I started to isolate myself because people were “distractions”. I became selfish and weirdly self-centered but also self-deprecating. I had the hardest time seeing myself or anyone else with love or appreciation. And the weird thing was that with the more opportunities I achieved by striving, the more I felt “in need”. They didn’t bring me comfort because everything I did was led by fear. They didn’t bring me security because I would nearly kill myself for the fear of having fear in the future. (which just sounds dumb)
I was in bondage, a slave to fear and “success”. This bondage might not have been as graphic as the 1700s. But I have encountered many slaves in America… People living very unhappy lives, working like a slave to rest or “live” on a vacation… People looking for a good time or a vacation from life. And I have also (on the flip-side) encountered many happy/content people who have fewer possessions than an out-of-state first year college student. These “poor” people might not have a dime to their name but are living fuller, more colorful lives than those “practical” workaholics or those hoping to live the American Dream.
And when I encounter those people who are actually living, it makes me rethink my life and decisions…
Random food for thought. 
natalieb 